Grief is something that happens at least once in everyone's life, anywhere in the world. The key to understanding grief is to realize that it is different for everyone and does not necessarily involve death – although this is the most common type. The truth is that grief represents the loss of someone or something we love. And even if it is a repeated fact in the life of the same person, he can react in different ways and for different periods. Life is a cycle and each of its stages must be understood. And knowing how to face death is perhaps one of the most complex. After all, what happens next? For those who stay, understanding how to deal with death is synonymous with mourning, sadness and overcoming.
What is grief?
Grief is the emotional process of experiencing the absence and emptiness caused by a loss. It is usually associated with the anguish of the loss of a loved one or person who has died, but we also experience grief in other types of loss. Thus, we can grieve for the death of a loved one or a pet, the end of a loving relationship, a very large loss, the bankruptcy of a business, the loss of health or even a job that was in the past. How long does the mourning last?
Grief happens to everyone, what varies is the intensity with which feelings are experienced. For some, the time of mourning seems eternal, for others, it's just another phase of life that time will resolve. You need to know that, like all feelings inherent to human beings, grief must also be experienced, felt and understood, so that we can restore our internal emotional balance. Even if your pain seems very strong today, we have brought here some considerations about grief so that you can, based on the information, find new ways and discover how to overcome grief, or help someone discover how to deal with the pain of loss.
How to deal with grief?
The grieving process is totally individual, even with other people involved in the same pain. That's because everyone has their own way of interpreting this emptiness and pain, from the moment of crying to the days that will follow. The expression of grief can occur through physical manifestations, such as crying, and emotional manifestations, such as sadness, anger and anxiety. In parallel, there are also those who behave silently. That is, there is no stereotype or rule to be followed to express grief. It is a reflection of your emotional capacity to deal with moments of fragility and to behave in your day-to-day life. There is no right or wrong, obligations or reason to be ashamed.
7 emotional symptoms of grief
Grief can affect people's health and manifest itself as emotional or physical suffering. Know some of the emotional symptoms that can be caused by grief:
1. Sadness- This emotional manifestation of grief is the most frequent and universal. It involves feelings of emptiness, intense longing, inconsolable despair and loneliness. Severe crying and emotional lability are also common.
2. Stress- It's a lot of emotions to manage. For those who lost a family member, tasks such as communicating with other people, arranging the funeral and burial or cremation, inventory and other bureaucratic steps that follow a death, can generate an intense load of stress. If the grief is the result of a divorce, it may still involve child custody, alimony, and division of property. The loss of a job also causes a lot of stress due to the uncertainty of the future and the inevitable search for a new job.
3. Shock- The most immediate reaction to a loss can be a kind of shock. In it, the person does not recognize himself, goes through a distancing from reality and has difficulty accepting the facts. Even knowing that it is impossible, he maintains an expectation that the person he loves can arrive at any moment.
4. Anxiety- It can arise from several factors, often not obviously associated with the event that generated the grief. That is, after the loss of a job, the level of anxiety can increase because of the bills to be paid. On the other hand, after the loss of someone to a serious illness, anxiety can be triggered by factors that provoked the illness. Anyone who has lost a loved one to COVID-19 may experience anxiety attacks when having to go out to the market, for example.
5. Guilt- Losing something or someone usually implies feelings that something could have been done to avoid this situation. Likewise, the feeling that important things were left out or even guilt for feeling relieved with this outcome (which usually appears in cases of serious illness) are also legitimate and part of the process.
6. Anger- It and resentment are often involved in situations about grief. A bereaved person may feel angry at the person who left, at the people involved in their dismissal, at the partner who left them, and even at themselves or at God. It has to do with the feeling of being wronged.
7. Fear- Every loss involves helplessness. It implies the insecurity of continuing to live a new reality, without what was lost. It also has to do with the perception of the limitation of one's own life, which generates anxiety, fear and panic attacks, in the most serious cases.
Physical symptoms of grief.
Grief is also reflected in the physical aspects and this can have a different duration than the emotional expressions. It is a scientifically proven fact that body and mind are closely linked, so it is natural that the physique is also affected by the moment of mourning. The body normally communicates grief through the following symptoms: Sweating Fatigue Palpitation Nausea digestive problems reduced immunity frequent infections lose or gain weight Common illnesses after intense stress, such as autoimmune disease, difficulty in metabolizing nutrients, heart problems, etc. pains Insomnia
The 5 stages of grief with examples The observation of grief in people generated a perception about the process: it is divided into stages. There are several theories about the steps, varying in quantity and detail of each one. But in general, the understanding is that the human being goes through them during the journey of mourning. It is also a consensus that not everyone experiences all phases, nor that they are a sequence or that they have a predetermined duration. A bereaved person might go through only one, while another might skip from the first to the last. Everyone reacts in their own way. The best-known grief theory was developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. From years of working with the terminally ill, she concluded that the characteristic stages of grief are: Denial Anger Bargain Depression Acceptance People often think of the stages of grief as lasting weeks or months, but they are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we move in and out of one and then another.
Stage 1: denial It's an overwhelming torpor. Grief has such an impact on emotions that denying what happened is common. Denial is still a defense mechanism, a way of gradually processing the loss, allowing information to be accommodated in line with the person's ability to withstand such pain. As she begins to accept that things will not be the way they used to be, she begins to deal with the sadness that has been repressed. It's not easy, but it's part of the overcoming movement. Examples of the denial stage "I can't believe this is happening to me." “He (or she) broke up with me, but that's just because he's hot in the head.” “Tomorrow they will realize how much they need me and will call to reinstate me.” “She (or he) did not die. It was just a nightmare.” “I can't be that sick. I always took good care of myself.” Stage 2: anger If denial involves a process of absorbing the new situation, anger is an attempt to mask emotions, it is a rebellious stage. The person becomes angry with the deceased person because he left her, the boss who fired her, the ended romance, or even the car in which the fatal accident victim was. Anger is placed above other emotions, such as sadness, resentment, or feelings of abandonment. It is only possible to have a more rational reaction when we allow ourselves to experience this anger and realize the emotions it is hiding. That's where it loses strength. Examples of the anger stage “Who is to blame for what I am going through?” “After everything I've done for you, you're going to regret leaving me like this. I hate you!" “Did I get fired? I hope they go bankrupt!” "She (or he) would not have died if he had done things differently." “What kind of God is it that lets someone get so sick and suffer so much?” Stage 3: negotiation Inevitably, grief includes feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. So, it is natural for human beings to look for ways to get out of this situation. Trying to regain control is also a way to delay the sadness and grief of grief. In this negotiation phase, the person looks for possibilities of alternative outcomes (albeit impossible), either by asking what could have been done differently, or by making promises to God. Examples of the negotiation stage “If this is reversed, I swear I will…” “If I had paid more attention to the ones I love, I wouldn't be going through this right now.” “If I worked more overtime, they would have noticed my worth and I wouldn’t be unemployed right now.” “If only I had prevented the trip, the accident would not have happened and she (or he) would be here now.” “If I didn't postpone my check-up so much, I could have prevented the evolution of this disease.” Stage 4: depression After the bargain, our attention moves directly to the present. We understand that it is impossible to return to life as it was known. Feelings such as disinterest, discouragement, a feeling of emptiness and others arise. Pain enters our lives at a level so deep that we never imagined it existed. This depressive stage seems to last forever. It is important to understand that postmortem depression is not a sign of mental illness, it is part of and an appropriate response to a great loss. We retreat from everyday life, immersed in a haze of intense sadness, wondering if there's any reason to go it alone. Why go on with everything? Depression after a loss is often seen as unnatural, as a state to be corrected, something we have to get rid of. However, not feeling depressed after a major loss is unlikely. If grief is a healing process, depression is one of many necessary steps along the way. Examples of the stage of depression “I will never get attached again. I am doomed to fail forever.” “What reasons do I have to go on without him (or her)?” “There is no point in looking for another job. I will be fired from all of them.” “Without him (or her) I am nothing. I lost my reason for living.” “There is no hope. I'm going to die anyway, so why care?" Stage 5: acceptance Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “fine” or “okay” with what happened. But it's nothing like that. Most people never feel good or okay with a big loss. This phase is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent one. It's admitting the end of the relationship, or the termination of work at that company. It is accepting the diagnosis and trying to live with it from now on, in the best possible way. We will never like this reality or do it well, but eventually we will accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to deal with an eternal longing. We should try to live now in a world where something or someone we love is missing and embrace the possibilities the future has to offer.
Examples of the acceptance stage "Better days will come." “The separation was necessary. There was no way to be happy in this relationship anymore.” “Maybe I'll get an even better new job. Who knows?" “At least we could live together and I could tell him how much I loved him.” “I will take advantage of the time I still have to correct my mistakes, ask for forgiveness and try to spend quality time with the people I love.” Seek support to deal with the loss The grieving process is natural and expected. But whatever the cause of your pain, there are healthy ways to deal with it. You can challenge yourself to perform some tasks to contribute to this process: give yourself time Accept your feelings and know that grief is a process. Ignoring pain can be worse in the long run Talk to people, trust them and let them know when they don't know what to say. Being by your side is already an indication of good intentions. Spend time with friends and family Don't isolate yourself. A support group might be a good option for you. Look for a hobby, something that gives you pleasure, helps channel emotions and occupies the mind. How about learning to play an instrument or start painting? Exercise regularly, eat well, and get enough sleep to stay healthy and energized.
What to do when the pain of grief won't go away? The natural grieving process has a beginning, middle and end. For those who wonder how long the pain of grief lasts or how to overcome grief, they will come across an inexact answer. After all, it is a very private process. However, there is a notion of when it ends: it is the moment when the person overcomes the pain and manages to move on. Even if the longing never ends, it no longer occupies as much space in life as those who stayed. But there are cases when this moment does not happen. It usually involves sudden and sudden losses, such as accidents or tragedies. It's what experts call complicated grief, as if it were chronic grief. In those cases where the situation becomes unbearable, it may be necessary to enlist professional help.
Complicated grief symptoms
A very intense longing for what was lost
Denial or disbelief
Obsession with things and places that remind you of what was lost
Intense anger or bitterness
Reject everything that reminds you of the loss
Feeling that life is meaningless or empty
When to Seek Professional Help for Grief
Like so many other emotional disorders and illnesses, psychotherapy is one of the activities that can help you overcome grief. The loss of a loved one is still a stressful event and the mind tends to react to something that threatens its integrity.
The reorganization of thoughts and feelings resulting from this pain are fundamental strategies for a healthy readaptation.
It is necessary to evaluate the concerns, offer confidence and support, look for the cognitive distortions that block the vision of healthy alternatives, bring up feelings and thoughts arising from the loss and work on the ability to readapt to a new reality.
An emotional well-being specialist helps us to experience grief and recover that shaken emotional side, making grief become just a longing, an affective memory that is good to remember, far from negative thoughts.
You can live through your grieving period. Allow yourself to give time to time and you will realize that, little by little, everything will get better
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